Delusional Absolution

By Lisa Richards
February 19, 2010

First, I would like to start this column by apologizing to all the boys in elementary school whom I bit, kicked in the shins, as well as my fifth grade art teacher, who said I was to driving her to a nervous breakdown, and every substitute teacher forced to teach a class with Lisa Richards in it.

I further wish to apologize to my mother for my lack of house-cleaning skills—or rather disdain of such. Sorry Mother, but I prefer shopping, horses, tennis, and golf. And why should I make a bed that will be unmade in ten hours, or clean boots that will be mucked again in 24 hours?

I am also sorry for stealing Mother’s Cadillac when I was 16: it was a Cadillac, totally fabulous, I was 16, and again, it was a Cadillac. And I apologize for doing the same, that year, with Dad’s new sports car. I am deeply sorry.

I am deeply sorry and utterly disgusted that golf, a game for which my family has been pro’s in since the 1920’s, has been invaded by a sex-addicted whoring womanizer who can’t keep his clubs to himself. I’m speaking of course about Tiger Woods, PGA’s repentant hero who deserves to have me, and every other American woman, wipe our mucky riding boots on his face.

Woods gave a 14 minute press conference, apologizing so much (more to the public than his wife and children, whom he’s destroyed), it became obvious the entire event was nothing more than a well-coordinated media stunt to help smooth his way back into the PGA and advertisement endorsements. Even Fox News’s Geraldo Rivera, who told Megan Kelly his past, is no better than Tiger’s, thought the apologies were over the top and calculated for ulterior motives.  read more »